There's another chapter beginning in our lives. Tomorrow, my Mother's moving into a level one assisted living facility, and I'm finding it extremely emotional which surprises even me.

This all happened very quickly in terms of an apartment being ready, and a decision made as to whether or not we wanted it. I got the call two weeks ago this coming Wednesday, and started the ball rolling ~ movers, getting rid of a lot of dishes, pots and pans, linens, towels.... and, anything she can't take with her. We're surrounding her with as much of her furniture as the little studio will take, but other pieces have either been given away or are being moved to my house and my brother's. When I was packing, even though I knew I couldn't and wouldn't use certain utensils and pots... I couldn't get rid of them. I remember my Mom using them when I was just a little girl!

It seems like yesterday my brother and I were kids ~ sharing the same bedroom until I was 10, and he 15 because we could only afford a small apartment, and then moving to a house we thought was a mansion when, in reality, looking back.... it was only one half of a double house. I'll never forget thinking, "we hit the big time!" lol We eventually put in new concrete sidewalks, and everytime I go upstate and pass the house, I get out of my car and there it still is.... "Elaine 1959." A little rough for wear, but still legible. Wait ~ how could it be so many years ago? Where the h-e-l-l did the years go? 1959? The first time my daughter saw it she said... "Mom, you're REALLY old." The secret was out, and no longer could I tell her I was 35!!

Here I am.... older then my Mom was when she finally left that house, and moved to be closer to my brother and I. This age thing; this year thing ~ boggles my mind.

Tomorrow a new chapter will begin being written, and the reality is that at this end of this chapter, a personality who will be 97 years old in December will be gone from the story... and, talked about in the past tense.

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And rightfully so, that you should be feeling emotional about all of this Elaine. Your story brings back to mind the day that we had to put my dad in a "home" and then my mom after that. Because I live so far away, I had a zillion questions for my sibblings, which they probably found very annoying. I just needed to "know".
I know we all did the "right" things in managing both of them, as tough as it was in the beginning. We all accepted it as time went by. Their moving into the "home" also met clearing out and getting rid of so many memories. My sisters took a lot of things that they thought I would like to have, things that either myself or my kids had given them over the years.
When I got these things it made the hair on my neck stand up straight.
As you know I made many trips to Vt. to check on them, and to see for myself that they were properly being taken care of. I have not one regret that I made those trips.
You can do this Elaine, it is a tough job, but you are of strong character and you will "get it done".

elaine, i agree totally with gina. you will get past this. it is terribly emotional as all of us know that have been thru it but it needs to be done for her and for the rest of you. the memories flood in but that is a good thing. even the sad memories need to be held.

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Thanks gina and sherry.

Yes gina, I do know about all those trips you took to check up on things, and sherry, you and I have talked about the situation for a long time; you've always been my sounding board.

I absolutely know we're doing the right thing... and, I'll never look back to question the decision. I made a decision in 1966 about surgery for my Dad who was a young man, and as always, it fell on me because I was the "supposed strong one" with all the answers. That one didn't turn out so good, but again, I know when I made it, it was the right one except that G-d had other plans for him.

This reminds me of kindergarten... the first day of school, and the fear that Moms feel when they leave their child in the classroom, and walk away... only this is in reverse ~ we become our Mother's Mothers.

I'm heading on down to her apartment in a little while to spend the night, and try to calm her fears... that old pep talk. Funny thing is that she's excited, and I'm scared! lol Instead of being an hour away from me, she'll only be 20 minutes. I haven't decided yet if that's good or bad!!

Sorry for the chatter and ranting, but this is where I had to come to "talk" since there's no other place where I know I can get not only moral support, but a feeling of family...

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Elaine...I have no words right now....but be assured I know what your feeling. As I read your post many memories came flooding back...especially the feeling scared part. My mom went to the home for rehab and was never able to go back to her house...I had to tell her that she had to stay where she was, and I was dreading it with all I had. But my mom, the trooper that she was...just said "Okay that's fine... I like it here". Well, I guess I had a few words after all... lol. But there is so much more...
she will be fine....and so will you!!
ruba

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I don't have any good words either, my friend. Just hang in there. You know you're doing the right thing.

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Dear Elaine, I can't, unfortunately, say I know what you're going through, because I don't. I do know, though, that you are definately making the right and only decision. You are so lucky though.. you still have your mom. And there is nobody like mom...nobody. I do know about saving all the sentimental stuff. I always make my baked beans in an old blue casserole that my mom always used, nothing fancy, but boy my heart will break if that casserole ever breaks! I too, wonder where all the years have gone. It seems like only yesterday when I was a teenager and not long after that a young bride and mother, myself. I live in the same town I grew up in and I don't feel old until I see some of my life long friends. They got old. Then, I realize that I did too. You're right. You are starting a new life chapter. Hopefully it will be a long, happy, sad, exciting, not so exciting, but really GOOD chapter.

Bobbie

Sweet Elaine, you are so lucky that you will be having your mom closer to you. It will be so much easier for you to check on her. I hope that you are proud of your decisions.
Hope each day goes a wee bit easier than the day before.

Anora, Charlie, Bobbie and Gina ~ thanks for thinking of me. It's now midnight, and I'm about to turn into a pumpkin, but wanted to give you all an update.

The move went fine... everything ran smoothly, and you'd never know my Mom just moved in. By the time we left tonight, everything was put away, pictures hung, clothes put away and perfect. She's surrounded by everything familiar.

Her aide got to her apartment at 7:45, took her out for breakfast and then to have have hair done. When she got to the new place she, her aide, and my brother had lunch while I was fixing up her new home. She was kept busy all afternoon which is what I wanted. When her aide left, she cried because she's been with my Mom for quite a while, and her job's now over. She was absolutely wonderful.

We're paying for level two which means they dispense her medications, help her dress and undress, shower her, and until she's more familiar with the place come get her for meals. At 5:30 the LPN came and took her to the dining room and sat her at a table with the most popular "girls." I watched from afar... One of the "girls" said they'd walk her back to her place after dinner which she did.

Mom called me tonight, and so far so good. They're going to make the arrangements for her to have some physical therapy which will be great.

I left there around 6:30.... came home and ran four loads of all her china and glassware, and everything's put away in the china closet I inherited... just finished washing two loads of her clothes which is something the facility will now do.

I've taken tomorrow off from work so I plan to go over there and see how she's doing, and then hopefully relax. My a-s-s is dragging, but my obsessive/compulsive behavior made me get everything finished tonight.

Day one's over, and if day two's anything like it, I'll be a happy person!!

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Elaine....so relieved that all went well. I really felt they would....your mom sounds alot like my mother....grateful for every day and friendly to one and all...you will now rest easier....she is in good hands. If you need an ear and sherry isn't available... and since I've been there...... I'm here to talk too.
ruba

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ditto to what ruba said.

we are a good group of people on this board aren't we?

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Well...I am proud to be here that is for sure....Elaine...Sweetheart I feel for ya...It's life going full circle for you...and you know in your heart it's for the best..I want you to remember this...
We can't see the future...but If we pay attention...some times we have the opportunity to see what lies ahead...

and for you my dear...The best is yet to come. I miss seeing your face..
I miss just sitting beside you...I even miss the way you hold your cigarette..

If you haven't got the message...I miss YOU

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Dan & Sweet Georgene

Dan, you're just so damn sweet!

And, the saga continues.

First morning I call to ask Mom how things are going ~ not good!
Her story: She was awakened at 8 AM for breakfast... she likes to sleep in. The nurse was supposed to come back in half an hour to help her get dressed, but never did, and Mom struggled for an hour to dress herself.

Real story: She was awakened at 8:30, and not only did she have help getting dressed, but she also was given a shower!!

Her comments so far:
This place is like a cemetery.
The people are all old.
Nobody's that friendly.
They give her too much food.
Don't get old!

The biggest problem is the dementia, so I can't really take her word for what's going on. I KNOW she's getting the best care. This place is 5K a month, and it's got a reputation for being the best of the best, and it's kosher which is what we needed since she still follows the dietary laws of our religion.

Oh, they're also doing PT with her to strengthen her arms; they gave her a walker... problem is, wherever she goes, she leaves it, and walks on her own albeit not steady on her feet.

My brother said there's no place she'll be happy; that it'll be the same crap, and that I'm the eternal optimist thinking this will be different. I'm not ready to concede yet.... Stay tuned!!

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elaine, your brother is right. there is no place she would be happy. my mother bounced between telling me she had lived there all her life (she told me that on our first visit about 24 hours after she got to the place) and loved it to 'i'm going to sue you and make you take me out of here'.

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OMG Elaine, your mom sounds just like my mom. Another of my mom's daily complaints was, "food was disgusting" and another was, "get me out of here before I kill someone" and "way too noisey here". Now you have to understand that when she was at home she had her tv on full blast all day, I'm not kidding, you could hear it the minute you stepped out of your car. Now my dad, he wasn't much of a complainer. He did however make remarks about "the over-weight" staff. He also had dementia and whenever I went to visit him he would ask me "which wing of this resort are you staying on"? I have to say it is best to "go along" with whatever your mom says as there is no sense in correcting her.
What scares me the most about all of this is that one day "we" will be in our parents shoes and our kids will be dealing with "us".
Hang in there Elaine. We love ya!!!!

A week's gone by... new line is ~ "I hate this place with a passion. There's nothing to do, and it's lonely. I'd like to know whose idea it was to "put" me here!" When I was there yesterday, that's what I was greeted with. I told her too bad, that's where she's staying; my life is easier knowing she's safe, and being well taken care of to which she replied, "I can walk out of here." lol

The highs and lows she has makes me feel like I'm on a roller coaster that never stops going in circles. She asks the same questions every couple minutes because she forgot she just asked them. Point in fact ~ I had to weigh her to see if she gained weight... yep, 1 pound. She's now up to a whopping 97 pounds. Every other minute she said, "did you weigh me?" I swear that this conversation went on for at least 15 minutes... sad, but comical. I must admit that I do start laughing, 'cause I can't help it, and that really pizzes her off.

Speaking to the activity director this morning, she told me that my Mom goes to 90% of the activities, but doesn't remember she did...

This Saturday I'm taking her out of "the prison," and we'll do a day of beauty. I'll get her hair and nails done, take her to my house for a while, and then out to dinner.

Rolling with the punches is what I've adopted, and not allowing what she says to stress me out....

I think her life is more exciting then mine ~ now that's sad!!

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I have been down this road as well. This is what you need to do for your sanity. My mother was sweet as pie to everyone in the home, and I would get all the complaints and the "sad and miserable" face. She actually did go to activities and then told us she didn't (and no it wasn't a memory problem).

Please hang-in there, Elaine. My mother did find an aide she loved, and that helped!

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Elaine and Corrine, your posts are so "my mom and dad" when they were in the "home". And like Elaine, I found a lot of humor in most of the reports I got from them, which, like yours, are totally different from the staff. I always tried to keep in mind that one day, this could be me!!