Hey Susanna - I resemble all of those remarks!!!

Oh susanna, I loved this one!

__________________

Thanks Susanna...... It is funny that we have never met, but you know so much about me. Except for maybe #10. Are Speedo's legal in Aruba ? Lucky, I don't own any....

__________________
DiamondDave
Nos ta stima Aruba.

heres another smart woman

A young women was pulled over by a young rookie cop. When he came to the car window, she asked"why are you pulling me over?" "You were speeding. May I see your licence please." "Oh", she said,"I don't have one anymore, I lost it after 3 DUIs." "Well show me your regristration papers for the car" the cop answered. "Well officer, I don't have them. You see, this isn't my car, and the owners body is in the trunk" With that the officer told her not to move, as he went back to his car to call for back-up. 4 other patrol cars came in, finally one cop approached her with his gun pulled. "step out of the car"he yelled. "Why officer, what did I do?" she asked. You are driving without a licence" he replied. "What, I have it right here", she said, showing her papers. "and what about your regristation papers". "Here they are officer", she said handing them over. now the officer was somewhat confused. " The first officer on the scene told us that you have a body in the trunk" he said, scratching his head. "what?" she answered, getting out of the car to open the empty trunk, "and I suppose he told you that I was speeding too!"

A man walks into a bar, orders a martini, takes out the olives and puts them in a jar. Later, the jar is full and the man gets up to leave.
"Excuse me" says the bartender," why did you put those olives in that bottle?"
"oh", the man answered,"My wife sent me out for a jar of olives."


Now was that Kevin, or Donnie???

I can follow that logic completely..... Exactly what I would have done... go figure...

__________________
DiamondDave
Nos ta stima Aruba.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about hismissing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks youembezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don'tknow what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "Hesays he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"


The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"


The attorney replied: "He says you don't have the balls to pullthe trigger."

__________________

Now that was one smart lawyer!!!!

Good one, Divi!!

__________________

I cannot tell a lie susanna. It was kevin!!!

I thought so, but didn't want to jump to conclusions!!!! But now that I have the facts from a reliable source......well.........

Facts? Reliable?? I think not - I drink nothing but beer, and plenty of it. Loren would never send me out for a jar of olives anyway - she knows I can't stand any green food. Except jalapenos.

Donnie can't be trusted, especially after downing a dozen martinis!

__________________

O.k. theres' a cover-up here. We'll have to seperate the men and interrogate them. Anyone want to try to get the truth out of them?

Subject: SIGHTINGS





IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars"

and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one worked for the the highway department

______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

______________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

___________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip Back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.

____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"

To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

_______________________________________________________

*And they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE

I'll take Johnny Depp!!!!! Oh, never mind, he wasn't included in this........

Bevy - VERY funny! Actually, I did the power strip mis-plug thing once.

__________________

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:-

1. The woman goes to the store and buys everything.

2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.

__________________

This my house exactly!

__________________

Email from my husband today:


Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's *** drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are ***y.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

__________________

Hi All,

I found this cute thing regarding golf. If you flame me, we know where
you mind is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!




TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn...my shaft is bent!
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the h*ll out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf, isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Anyone for a round golf this weekend! ROTFLMAO!

later,
millertime

__________________
ARUBA....One Happy Island

Later,
millertime

This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify, save a copy till you do (no matter how long)



A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

(You're gonna like this one)


The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Oh Yea----unfortunately I resemble that remark!!!!!!

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

It was a small town and the patrolman was
making his evening rounds. As he was checking
a used car lot, he came upon two little
old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why
they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car
here we'd get screwed .
so we're just waiting.

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

I'm so glad u started this one back up. I was gettin kinda crazy reading everything on the NH thread. Not that I don't care---I do very much & my heart breaks for all involved. But it's nice to click over to something "lighter" too!

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

Another good one Elaine. Thanks for the laugh!!!!

Agreed! Very funny, Elaine. This is not funny but those of us over 40 (that means you, Kevin, now) can relate:

Another Goody For The old Gang...

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem
to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used
to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped
in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers,
but I can't remember getting e. coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake
instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,
and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair
of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because
they tell us how much safer we are now.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
that bee sting? I could have been killed!


We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile
of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did,
we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again
when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks
on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that
she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted
him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known
that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management
classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that
we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T-
SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

__________________

Thanks Corrine for the trip down memory lane !!!!! Sounds like we grew up in the same type of neighborhood....... Did you folks have the Paper-Rex man? He used to be a European man with an accent that drove through the neighborhood with his cart and horse looking for folks who had any paper or rags to sell....

__________________
DiamondDave
Nos ta stima Aruba.

No Dave, I didn't have that. I did have the knife-sharpener man who came around in an ancient car and of course, the Duggan's man who delivered cakes and pies (yum!) right to your door.

__________________

* Please do not attempt to kill the messenger as this is intended only as humor, and not to offend, and I didn't write the Damned thing to begin with.- Muchas Gracias*


CHICANO GENIE


A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the L.A. River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!! A Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.


She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi prima that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie." The Genie then said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-wish genies are story-tale myth.


I'm a ONE-WISH Genie, Uno, no mas! So...que quieres?" The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want Peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs. It will bring world peace and harmony," she continued.


The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE... Those fools have a pedo that goes back thousands of years, chale! I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please be reasonable."


The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. I want a Mexican boyfriend.... You know, one that -DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I wish for.... a good Mexican man!"


The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said, "Chingada vieja!!!...Let me see that pinche map again..

Oldie but cute.


It's not easy being green....

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

LMAO.

Cute & New to me.

Heheh. - Thanks.

Ok, last one lest I get thrown off for hogging up the board.



Expensive.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $70,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "


The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Those were the days!! I can't believe I'm saying this, just like my Mother used to!! Good post Corrine, it brought back a lot of memories.

LOL: Kewl.

Those were the good old days, sure miss em now, that's for sure.

Not only did I get my butt spanked when I acted up at the neighbor's house, I got it spanked when I called one of them by her FIRST NAME! Boy, times have changed!

__________________

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER.
NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.


NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #__________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES_____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO,
explain________________________________________________________ ____________
Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain__________
______________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a
belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE,
DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what
does LATE mean to you?_______________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to
you?____________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to
you?_________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________
Church you attend_________________________________ How often you
attend_______ When would be the best time to interview your father,
mother, and priest?_____________ Answer by filling in the blank.

Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I
won't tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be
________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
________________________
C: A woman's place is in the
__________________________________________________
D:The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
_________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
______________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF you grow up________________________________________ What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
____________________________________
Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C:
9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________ Signature (that means sign
your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it
would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases
(you might want to watch your back).

Can you make this in several copies??? We have a 21 yr. old daughter, Hubby loved the questions!

Well, yeah, if your serious, though I don't have my domain up anymore since I'm waiting to reconstruct it from ground up when I get the time, so I'd have to forward it to some email addy. - Then you can just Print it locally from there into a hard copy, or edit it and make as many versions as you like.

You do realize that you could just highlight the whole thing, or article, then copy, and paste it into a new word or text document, don't you?

Actually, I already did, just wanted to let you know that we think the same way about potential bf.

Kewl. - Glad you enjoyed it. - Actually, that's probably a little more tame then I'd be where dating my daughter is concerned. - LOL. - Let's just say that I was not a popular man with any of my daughters dates, or any male creatures that tended to hang around her circles. - She admits now that she really hated me some times, but I think that now that she's gone and completed college, Happily Married (not to a loser), with their first child on the way, she's forgiven me many times over. - I know my son in law is quite thrilled that I was the way I was when she was way too young to know what's best for her.

I have another one about dating my daughter which is more in a letter format.

I'll try to find it so I can put that one up for your Pleasure too.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?



A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life if your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?



A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.





Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?



A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!





Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?



A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.





Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?



A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good





Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?



A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?





Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?



A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.





Q: Is chocolate bad for me?



A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans . another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!





Q: Is swimming good for your figure?



A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.





Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?



A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!





Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about

food and diets.



And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

__________________
Make some time to lose track of.
Breath in, Breath out, Move on.
Visit us at www.beccasports.com

Thanks, we also showed this to our son (18) to let him know what parents will expect of him!!!

Now thats my kind of life strategy!!!!

I don't know if this has been posted before, but anyway, it's a good laugh!!

Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People--Your last name stays put. Your
garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just
another snack.

• You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!

__________________
Make some time to lose track of.
Breath in, Breath out, Move on.
Visit us at www.beccasports.com

G A A!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Chip for the laughs!!!!!!!!

Susanna - Unfortunately all that is true!

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A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

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The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Subject: THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the Great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time. I said:
"BRING POSSE!"

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

whoa silver, we are getting close to "R"

__________________
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vote now!!!!

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I was walking that very, very fine line.... but, figured we needed to laugh!!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

you did and i did, hahaha

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help us help aruba's kittens and cats

http://www.arubakitten.org/






vote now!!!!

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