1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.


5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. !


6. I hate *** in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.


8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.


9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was some turn signal fluid."


11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new! flagpole on a condemned building.


12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying ***.


14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

·

ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

·

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---- Super Serious Silence ---

HUSBAND: Shit!!




A dream that I dream alone is but a dream; But the dream that we dream together, is a reality.
~Raul Seixas~

Pant... what a way to start the morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah (It was a day trip no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and inde! ed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally manage! d to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.


Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."


And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno said "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Genie In The Tackle Box


Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at
Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Very funny, Elaine!

__________________

Great one Elaine. I just spit my coffee out!!!

Well, Hell, that explains why all I ended up with was lots of 'Good Books' and a 'Massive Rock?'

Wish someone had told me then, that genie was deaf.

I was checking out the Dr. Laura Schlessinger "listener's letters" and I came across this one. It is a little harsh, but so very true. Now I'll have a scenario (of sorts) to help my kids understand if they ask why we are at war with Iraq. Pass it on if you feel so inclined.

Would You Close Your Blinds?

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.

My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window.

He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"

"I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied.

"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."

Our son giggled and said "OK."

"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said.

"OK Dad, I'm pretending."

"Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this, son....what do you do?"

"Dad?"

"What do you do son?"

"I'd call the police, Dad."

"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then, son?"

"Dad... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.

"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.

"But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims.

"I know he did...but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."

"Daddy...he kills them?"

"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"

"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him," our son says.

"Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.

"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"

"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry.

"OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next son?"

"What Daddy?"

"He walks across the street to the old lady's house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"Daddy..."

"WHAT DO YOU DO?" Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy."

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him "Why?"

"Because Daddy... the police are supposed to help people who need them... and they won't help. You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either. They won't help me stop him. I'm afraid. I can't do it by myself Daddy. I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and... and... do nothing... so... I'm just going to close the blinds... so I can't see what he's doing... and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."

I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says...

"Son?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Open the blinds because that man... he's at your front door... WHAT DO YOU DO?"

My son looks at his father, and anger and defiance flash in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says... "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son.....you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it alone, before its too late," my husband whispers.

"THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen son, THAT is the greatest atrocity in the world. YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!"

BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS...


GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!

CMSgt Flight
Balad Air Base, Iraq

Tribute To Those Who Won't

[/FONT]

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was

ironing a skirt and the phone rang. But instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in sheer disbelief.
"But what happened to your other ear?"

"The bastard called back."

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was:

"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk." - Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had also partied late the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available when needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote:

7.It comes in such cute containers.

He got the 70 points.

TWO WOMEN

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died:

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible.

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be
alive!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

__________________

Good one, Elaine!

__________________

This is very good. I laughed my head off....hahaahahhaah

>>How To Shower Like a Woman
>>
>>Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
>>according to lights and darks.
>>
>>Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
>>
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>>
>>Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
>>do
>>
>>more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
>>
>>Get in the shower.
>>
>>Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
>>
>>pumice stone.
>>
>>Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
>>
>>vitamins.
>>
>>Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
>>
>>Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
>>
>>Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
>>until
>>
>>red.
>>
>>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
>>
>>Rinse conditioner off hair.
>>
>>Shave armpits and legs.
>>
>>Turn off shower.
>>
>>Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
>>
>>Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
>>
>>Get out of shower.
>>
>>Dry with towel the size of a small country.
>>
>>Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
>>
>>Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
>>
>>If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
>>
>>How To Shower Like a Man
>>
>>Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
>>them in a pile.
>>
>>Walk naked to the bathroom.
>>
>>If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
>>'woo-woo' sound.
>>
>>Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
>>
>>Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
>>
>>Get in the shower.
>>
>>Wash your face.
>>
>>Wash your armpits.
>>
>>Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
>>
>>Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
>>
>>Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
>>
>>Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
>>
>>Wash your hair.
>>
>>Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
>>
>>Wee.
>>
>>Rinse off and get out of shower.
>>
>>Partially dry off.
>>
>>Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
>>bath the whole time.
>>
>>Admire willy size in mirror again.
>>
>>Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
>>
>>Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
>>
>>If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
>>
>>'woo-woo' sound again.
>>
>>Throw wet towel on bed.
>>
>>I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her! medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending! to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

Blench! How funny!!!!! (and true.............)


Donnie - Again, how funny! I would love to do that myself!

__________________

Corinne have to show this still to my husband.

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only in English:


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

We call UP
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about something.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

LOL.

Sounds more then fair to me.

What's on your mind these days? Is it in the gutter as usual? Let's find out! (Answers Below)

A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
(What Am I?)

B. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.
(What Am I?)

C. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
(What Am I?)

D. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.
(What Am I?)

E. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
(What Am I?)

F. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
(What Am I?)

G. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
(What Am I?)

H. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
(What Am I?)

I. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
(What Am I?)

J. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.
(What Am I?)

K. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.
(What Am I?)

L. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
(What Am I?)

M. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.
(What Am I?)

N. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
(What Am I?)












Answers:

A. Nose

B. Peanut Butter

C. Crane

D. Titanic

E. TenT

F. Dentist

G. Wedding Ring

H. Elevator

I. Chewing Gum

J. Newspaper Boy

K. Glove

L. Arrow

M. An attorney

N. Bird



~~ ~~

LMAO.

Thanks Elaine; Love those Blond Jokes.

Pant... loved the English Lovers Language thingie. I certainly wish I had this when I was teaching, but printed it out for myself. Thanks so much!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

My Pleasure, Elaine.

Glad that I could take a minute to offer up a minute token of my Appreciation & Thanks for all that Teachers have given me in this life.

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to ***?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU...

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT, UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU


Now get your mind out of the gutter and.......... GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT!!

Perfect for occasions when you're expected to listen to Politicians, Priests, or any other Bullshitter.

Slightly off note, but.....

Cindy Sheehan asked President Bush, "Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

Another mother asked a Chief of Police, "Why did my son have to die in this city as one of your police officers?"

Another mother asked President Kennedy, "Why did my son have to die in VietNam?"


Another mother asked President Truman, "Why did my son have to die in Korea?"


Another mother asked President Franklin. D. Roosevelt, "Why did my son have to die at Iwo Jima?"


Another mother asked President W. Wilson, "Why did my son have to die on the battlefield of France?"


Yet another mother asked President Lincoln, "Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"


And yet another mother asked President G. Washington, "Why did my son have to die near Valley Forge?"


Then long, long ago, a mother asked, "Heavenly Father, why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem?"

The answers to all these are similar -- so that others of all faiths may have life & dwell in peace, happiness, and freedom.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.



PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.


SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggy-doo-doo off your boot.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their heads.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.


EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, ***y young lady "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed ! and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compa ssion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her
the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Haha - Good one.

I can almost visualize the look on the wifes face then.

Six inches long

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about six inches long."

Panth,
Being the owners of 2001 and 2002 Honda Accord EX's, we loved the Accord show!!!!!!!! Love your stuff!!!!! pg

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love,
The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

__________________

Hi pgsoder.

I'm glad you enjoy the effort.

I've always been into good old detroit muscle cars, but I have to admit that Hondas are of excellent quality. - I don't presently own one, but my GF bought an accord coupe a few months back, and she loves and swears by it. - She owned a civic sedan for many years, but decided that she didn't need a 4 door this time around since there's only one kid left at home.

I'd have to say that the engineering on all their vehicles is second to none.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama
himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

My sentiments exactly. (Please don't tell Homeland Security.)

__________________
Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

lmao. Good one Blenchi.

__________________
Only happy people allowed!

''Twas the Night Before Rita'


'Twas the night before Rita
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our cr*p

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick

More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same

Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!

In the center of Texas
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So go to the safe-room
My family did do
With a portable TV
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary

The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Rita did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Stan

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"Fare well to this place,
CANADA seems just right!"

Breaking News: President Bush May Send Marines to France.

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France out of the fire again. Paris faces an apparently overwhelming force of up to 400 angry teenagers, and Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold them off. "If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now," said Bush.

Joint Chiefs Gen. Peter Pace warned the President it might be necessary to send up to at least five (5) Marines to get things under control. The general admitted five Marines may be overkill, but he wanted to get this thing resolved within 24 hours of the Marines' arrival on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine who would volunteer to help the ungrateful French out for a third time in less than a century, but thought he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of France as soon as possible after order is restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. We want them to blend in rather than stand out.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between the two?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed
below .

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ***
and having the balls

to say:
"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great
b-o-o-b-s.

One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new b-o-o-b-s and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any
chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!