Thanks susanna. We'll have to get charlierat to check out #35. It is for our attorney friends!!!

Yeah, I like this one. Next time I have client that doesn't understand why I would recommend a settlement offer rather than going through with the trial, I'm going to explain it just like this!

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Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

I tell that to our attorneys all the time. They never listen, but I tell them!

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
"The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
"The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it.
"So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

That's funny, Donnie!

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chuckle chuckle

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Need some ideas

Here's one for my bro! It has two of his favorite topics!

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Boston Red Sox jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankees fan from the water. Then using autographed Manny Ramirez baseball bats, the three Beantown heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing...how's the bait holding up?"

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When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up
to her but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men...

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: - )

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Knew you would like that one!

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Those are toooooo funny

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Isnt this a good one? hahaahahahahahahahah

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

Y'all check this out. This is actual footage from a video deposition taken in Texas sometime in the recent past. Be forewarned: there is some R rated language.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=e12sqYYLJxA

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Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

That's pretty funny!!

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Having a bad day?

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.


This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.


The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.


Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood , breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


And still think YOU'RE having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


No way after this one will you still be having a Bad Day !!

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better.


I TOLD YOU, ALL BETTER NOW, HUH????

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My day just got a little better

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ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-
mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

"What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez.....!" And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds th e woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said,

V

V

V

V

V


"What's a headache?"
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You should never ever doubt what no one is sure of.

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk......turn it up

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

1/20/09: End of an Error

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight



America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It !

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

Impeach Cheney First



When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on,she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday Night TV program. During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our ***ual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know--I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

Yep. This is pretty much how I feel about it.

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Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

On their way to get married, a loving couple gets into a car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder: "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple,"you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple,"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

Four great ones BP.

Keep them coming.

Just before her husband's funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband", to which she replied, "98, two years older than me". "So you're 96" the undertaker commented. To which she replied, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104 year old woman:-And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? The woman simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is that you can hide your own Easter eggs!!!

I've sure gotten old-I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all of my friends. But, thank God, I still have my drivers license!!!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!!!!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart" exclaimed the preacher, "WHY"? Because then I'll be sure my dughters visit me twice a week."

It's scarey when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief".

Remember-You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

The Senility Prayer- Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Make it The Gap, and that will be my daughter!

Very funny Gina and BP!

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Make that TJ Maxx and I'll be seeing my DIL every Saturday or Sunday.

A preacher was talking one Sunday and told everyone that its a good thing that we are not all alike. He said if we were all alike, everyone would have wanted to marry my wife. The guy in the back stands up and says, and if everyone was like me, nobody would have wanted her.

Not so much funny...as True



American Health Care

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the next day and within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?














The first is a Golden Retriever.....


The second is a Senior Citizen on Medicare

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

I have seen this ..Oh..15 times and it still crack's me up.

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES...

This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to
be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian
anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining
strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he
slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored
breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven!
For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a
cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife.

"Get outta here! " she shouted , "They're for the funeral!"

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ACK!!! Carol, that is funny! Here's another one:

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.

Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend
church services for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads........

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Subject: Skinny Dipping & Old Men

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looked it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."? Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

__________________
I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,? "We just love the chocolate around them."

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I lead with my Heart and my Body follows

Dan & Sweet Georgene

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, flying, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. *When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the side walk."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves, and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says







"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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