Hehehe.

No doubt, and be careful about the Tone and Gist of the Eulogy, hey.

I'm Not Drunk!!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.


Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.


I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.


I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.


I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

I'm not drunk you shilly sit!

> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
> Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
> decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After
>
> all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home
> early?
>
> The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
> She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went
> to bed early.
>
> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the
> gym before meeting a dinner date.
>
> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,
> but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
>
> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to
> see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door
> and crept out of her house.
>
> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
> to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to
> go with them.
>
> "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
>
>

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Elaine: I once considered myself a master of Blond jokes, But much as I hate to give up my crown, me thinks, you've got me beat.

I have lots of crazy friends Pant... oy, you should see some of the jokes I get!!!
The queen would send me to Siberia if I posted most of them!!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

When I worked in the city, I used to sneak out early behind the boss, too. Glad I never came home to that!

__________________

so is steve, hahahaha.

__________________
help us help aruba's kittens and cats

http://www.arubakitten.org/






vote now!!!!

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/N...uba/index.html

Yeah, I know what you mean by all the friends, not that I can relate to the crazy thing, mind you.

I have an extensive collection of jokes too, but I don’t store them on this Laptop because it would take up too much space and I use this little baby for the shop or home, cause it’s my one handy Internet connection out in this area. - Love the convenience of it, since out here it’s all about Satellite DSL, relayed by Wi-Fi Hotspots, which allows me to use the same ISP account from work or play.

Most of these small towns are still running on the old copper phone lines, which means dial up at best.

Anyway, every now and then I hear a Joke that I’ve never heard before, and that’s why I enjoy reading jokes from others.

*I know this is an oldie but I don't have anything better at the moment.*

Ed Zachary disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any *** for over 5 years. She was afraid there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese *** therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose.

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did so, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf *** or dates. "

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ***."



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

Ok, here's a "riddle", it's not that hard but we've been having fun with it for this last week here at home:


A guy leaves home, makes 3 left turns when he gets back there are 2 guys with masks on---who are they?

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

I have no clue, hooked!

__________________

Just think about exactly what the riddle says

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.


The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely caucasian baby boy! "Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents as they stared at each other. Then the nurse says, "Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"


The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

LMAO.

Ok, Elaine, you win.

I'll trade all my what ever jokes for all your Blonde jokes, cause you've come up with a few I don't have stored to my collections, and I've been collecting them for close to 15 yrs.

BTW: I'm sure you already know this, but if you want, you can download for free at the link below:

emailSTRIPPER

emailStripper is a free and small sized program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails. It will restore "forwarded" or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read, and you can simply cut/copy and paste, by Highlighting, copying & pasting the selected text into it, then back to any new text document or email by using the simple 3 button function.


http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"


The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning

to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.


"Out drinking again???" she says,

"And how much money did you spend this time?"


"$100." answers the man.


"100 dollars!!!!" she shouts, "That's ridiculous,
spending that much in one night!"


"Easy for you to say," he replies, "You don't smoke,
you don't drink, and you have your own pussy;

(err, um, cat)."

So what is the answer?

__________________
Why Don't We Get Drunk (Jimmy Buffett)

A guy leaves home, makes 3 left turns when he gets back there are 2 guys with masks on---who are they?

Do you really want the answer?

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

YES PLEASE!

__________________

A guy leaves home, makes 3 left turns when he gets back there are 2 guys with masks on---who are they?



You know I thought for sure you or Kevin would have got this one....I'm disapointed!

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

__________________
The Timeless Candy Source

Web: www.TimelessCandy.com

eBay Store: www.TimelessCandySource.com

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd,"her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well
do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please, says one. The vendor
is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands
them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The
mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Yes! We all do!

__________________
Why Don't We Get Drunk (Jimmy Buffett)

I'm really trying, but now there's smoke coming out of my ears and I can't see the keyboard or the screen

__________________

Looks like the answer to the riddle is--catcher and umpire

shame on you 'mod squad' you are all baseball fans

Good job murray! I thought all the bb fans on this board would get it right away! I must admit, hubby had to tell me the answer---then you fell like a big idiot. I didn't mean to make kevin or anyone else overheat.

__________________
We ARUBA!!
January 18 - February 5, 2007
CAN'T WAIT!!!!



[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

You would have thought that Kevin D or Corrine would have gotten this one right away. Since I am not a big basefall fan, I could not come up with the answer either. But now it makes perfect sense.

__________________
The Timeless Candy Source

Web: www.TimelessCandy.com

eBay Store: www.TimelessCandySource.com

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

__________________
The Timeless Candy Source

Web: www.TimelessCandy.com

eBay Store: www.TimelessCandySource.com

Oh wow, good one hooked! Wasn't thinking of that at all!

__________________

I was trying to think of the answer, and why Corrine and I should know it, and all I got was smoke. Heck, these days one of those 2 masked men is waiting there to tag a Sox baserunner, the other to call him out.

ScubaDad, excellent joke!

__________________

Not a joke but if anyone needs to lighten up go see The Wedding Chasers!! Not really for someone my age but I have never laughed so hard!
Vince Vaughan is a riot!

__________________

Another Good Example of Why Dads should never go it, Alone!

Roger that, Princess.


I'm warming up 2 Owen Wilson after the last couple of flicks: Reminds me of me own brat (hopefully, D lil shit'll finish law school BTE of this year), and much as I hate to admit it, I'm getting accustomed to that broken sniffer of his 2.

If you like Owen, then you love this one! True it was clearly written for younger folks then ourselves, but tough!

Love your pics but not sure if Sherry's gonna yell at that middle finger one!

__________________

nope, that's just a little child's personal opinion, hahahahahaha...i am generous today.

__________________
help us help aruba's kittens and cats

http://www.arubakitten.org/






vote now!!!!

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/N...uba/index.html

Stay generous, at least for a few hours - my computer at work won't let me see the pics. I'm hoping that Loren's security force will let them thru at home...

__________________

Either way, Queenie knows I love her just the same, and if anyone can understand my kind of animal doesn’t always fire on all 8 Cylinders, it's sherry.

Well, if I’m off base, no doubt I'll hear about it when I get back from practice, hey.

Besides; no disrespect to the Holloway family, and I still pray for Natalee's well being, but some of us have bigger fish to fry these days, and this whole thing has overstayed its welcome with me.



So, with all that aside; Much Love & Peace 2 U Princess Corinne & Queen Sherry.

BTW: Thank U 4 you so much for your kindness & understanding, and I guess I'll just catch up with U again, when I can.

OK OK, the force was kind enough to allow the pics thru the firewall here at home. Very nice, Pant!

Sis, we're going to see the Wedding Crashers tonight.

__________________

Enjoy! Let me know how you like it.[FONT=Comic Sans MS]

So, with all that aside; Much Love & Peace 2 U Princess Corinne & Queen Sherry.

BTW: Thank U 4 you so much for your kindness & understanding, and I guess I'll just catch up with U again, when I can.

Panth - You're not leaving are you? Please stay - love your jokes

__________________

Nope; just reporting for a few weeks of summer maneuvers, Monday.

Usually doesn't happen till early Sept, but for some reason, they're calling us up early this year.

Anyway, here's one you might enjoy, Corinne.

It's titled, "Wait till 2008!!"

http://www.michaelhodges.com/stuff/funny/2008cc1.swf



BTW: Take care of yourself Princess & Thank You.
C U when I get back.

be safe my friend...maneuvers get tougher...heck even moving gets tougher each time.

__________________
help us help aruba's kittens and cats

http://www.arubakitten.org/






vote now!!!!

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/N...uba/index.html

I second what sherry said, Pant. Be safe and hopefully when you get back to our little bulletin board family all will be over and solved, and we'll be on to something new!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

BE safe Panth! We look forward to your return. And OMG - that was hysterical! Everyone needs to check that out!

__________________

For those of those of you that responded to my snake bashing post, I found this while checking the NBC13 Bham site. [I got the article from a google search.]

Firstcoastnews.com

Snake In Toilet Bites Woman











By Deanna Fene
First Coast News

JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Going to the bathroom will never be the same for one local woman, not since she was bitten by a water moccasin who was apparently hiding in her toilet.

Alicia Bailey spent three days in the hospital. She's now at home but she's not resting comfortably. She remembers what happened the night she got up to go to the bathroom. "Walked in (to the bathroom) opened up the lid to the toilet and got bit by the water moccasin on the leg."

She was bitten once on the thigh, and given the size of the bite on her leg, many predict it was a very big snake. Alicia says, "His head was every bit of three fingers wide."

She was rushed to the hospital and given anti-venom, but no one knows what happened to the snake or how it got into the house in the first place.

There are woods behind the family's home off Beach Boulevard and with all the recent rain, the snake could have been looking for higher and dryer ground. The family now thinks he could have gotten into the home through the dog door, but there's still a fear, it hasn't left.

Alicia's husband, Richard is searching the home trying to find the snake. He says, "What we're leery about is closets and drawers." He carries a big stick around the house as he looks for the snake and at times his shotgun. "We're not looking to take it alive. I just want it out of here."

Alicia just wants her life, and her house, back.
"We're currently very uncomfortable in our home and toilet shy I would say, and real anxious for closure."

The Bailey's have an 11-year old son who is now staying with neighbors. They said, doctors told them, given the size of the snake, if it would have bitten him instead of Alicia, he probably would not have survived.


First Coast News

Need to bring this to the front again.

Regarding Children:
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.


Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.


Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.


Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.


The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.


We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.


AND FINALLY...


IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:


“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

__________________

Corrine, Loren and I are still trying to decide when (if??) to have children, and you certainly do steer us in the other direction!

__________________

Loren is still young, kev, and has plenty of time to decide! You, on the other hand..................

only kidding, only kidding!

__________________

This was great Corrine. Thanks for the Sunday afternoon laugh. Not to worry Kevin, at your age you are better suited to fatherhood! I was 44 when Taylor was born and I am having a great time with her. It is definitely an experience to have. Enjoy your alone time with Loren while you can!!!

Okay, my turn. I'll try to stay within the boundaries already established.

A man goes through a bitter divorce. His ex has a sharp lawyer and he is unrepresented. At the trial, his ex's lawyer plucks him like a chicken and he's completely defenseless. After it's all over, and he's been shafted like a coal miner, he heads for the nearest bar to drink until he forgets. The more he drinks, the more he remembers until finally, he stands up and shouts out to anyone that cares to listen, "All lawyers are ***holes!"

A man sitting at the end of the bar stands up and says, "Sir, I take great offense at what you just said."

The newly divorced man yells out angrilly, "Why, are you lawyer?"

The other man calmly replies, "No, I'm an ***hole."

__________________
Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.