Heheh... That was a good one Elaine.

I'll reciprocate with another Paradise Joke, though I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you've already heard it...

<><><><>

Suicide Bombers Causing Virgin Shortage in Paradise

Written by Willie Fatwah
Lowering the bar for "virginity."

PARADISE – Officials in Paradise are confirming a serious shortage of virgins during the past six months. “This is the first time anyone here can remember such a shortfall in the availability of virgins. Many people are quick to blame the large number of suicide bombers trying to secure their place in Paradise – each along with their allotment of 80 virgins. Others place the blame on a general decline in the availability of girls who can meet the rigid standards.”

There is little doubt that the large number of recent martyrs has exacerbated the problem in Paradise. The governing council has suggested several solutions to help alleviate the problem:


(1) Reduce the award of virgins to a more manageable figure. Some suggest fifty; others suggest as few as fifteen. One has to really wonder if recruitment for martyrs would seriously decline as the reward of virgins in Paradise dwindle in number. How many young men are going to strap a nail-laden bomb on their back knowing that he might be rewarded with only a very small number of virgins. One potential suicide bomber was heard to say, “My limit is sixty. If I can’t be assured that at least sixty virgins are waiting for me in paradise, well… let somebody else carry out that bombing. I’m no fool!”


(2) Reduce the requirements for “virginity” so that the overall number of available “virgins” is suddenly boosted to a level that can keep up with the number of martyrs arriving in Paradise daily. Allowing women who have worked in prostitution for less than six months to still qualify as “virgins” has been suggested by several council members.


In a recent survey, 58% of people favored the lowering of the virginity standard over reducing the number of “real” virgins. “Hey, if I just had my backside ripped to shreds by a nail bomb, I’m not going to be too fussy over the quality of the virgins that are waiting for me in Paradise, just so long as I get the full eighty – not one less!”


Another man on the street said, “I think the whole thing about virgins is way overblown. To tell the truth, I’d rather have eighty girls that have some experience, but not too much experience if you know what I mean. The idea is to have a great time in Paradise. Right?”

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second sonKalid. H

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.

"Yes" says, the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says..."They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Now that was good, Pant!!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

OH Panth! Those are really funny!

__________________

> > > Mad Wife Disease
> > >
> > > A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his
> > > wife walked up
> > > behind him and whacked him on the head with a
> > > magazine.
> > >
> > > "What was that for?" he asked.
> > >
> > > "That was for the piece of paper in your pants
> > > pocket with the name
> > > Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
> > >
> > > "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou
> > > was the name of one
> > > of the horses I bet on," he explained.
> > >
> > > "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have
> > > known there was a good
> > > explanation."
> > >
> > > Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
> > > when she walked up
> > > and hit him in the head again, this time with the
> > > iron skillet, which
> > > knocked him out cold.
> > >
> > > When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that
> > > for?"
> > >
> > > She replied, "Your horse called."
> > >

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Subject: ITALIAN BREAD???...

TWO OLD GUYS, ONE 80 AND ONE 87, WERE SITTING ON THEIR
USUAL PARK BENCH SEAT. ONE MORNING. THE 87 YEAR OLD
HAD JUST FINISHED HIS MORNING JOG AND WASN'T EVEN
SHORT OF BREATH. THE 80 YEAR OLD WAS AMAZED AT HIS
FRIEND'S STAMINA AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE DID TO HAVE SO
MUCH ENERGY.
THE 87 YEAR OLD SAID, "WELL, I EAT ITALIAN BREAD EVERY
DAY. IT KEEPS YOUR ENERGY LEVEL HIGH AND YOU'LL HAVE
GREAT STAMINA WITH THE LADIES."
SO, ON THE WAY HOME, THE 80 YEAR OLD STOPS IN AT THE
BAKERY. AS HE WAS LOOKING AROUND, THE LADY BEHIND THE
COUNTER ASKED IF HE NEEDED ANY HELP. HE SAID, "DO YOU
HAVE ANY ITALIAN BREAD?"
SHE SAID, "YES, THERE'S A WHOLE SHELF OF IT. WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME?"
HE SAID, " YES, I WANT 5 LOAVES."
SHE SAID, "MY GOODNESS, 5 LOAVES. DON'T YOU THINK BY
THE TIME YOU GET TO THE 5TH LOAF, IT'LL BE HARD?'
HE REPLIED, "HOLY SHIT, EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD KNOWS
ABOUT THIS ITALIAN BREAD THING BUT ME!!"

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Good morning Princess. - Sorry I'm a wee bit slow lately, but I'm still playing 'Catch Up,' after that most Undeserved Vacation, Uncle so Graciously gave me.

Anyway, I am Glad you enjoyed them, and just 2 prove that some of US do have a sense of humor, here's something you might enjoy, but once U get 2 the link below, you must click the Play the Video Link there 2 view, 'Doc In A Box, Pre 9/11.'


http://dustmans.castpost.com/190.html

Ciao, Corinne.

Wow! and here most of US old world European Latins thought we had that secret in the bag.

OK: who in the Hell left the Cat out of the Bag, err, Bread, oh, whatever.????

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of it's destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.? Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:




Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

RECENT ORDERS TO TROOPS IN IRAQ.

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

"Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

"Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos. ]

"Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

"Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]

Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English versions]

"Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

"Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

3. The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

4. The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

"Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800 Daily."

"Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

5. All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.....

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her ***ual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Well, what the hell; if you can't Wine & Dine em; bust em upside the head, wrap em in a dusty camel blanket just like little 'Sheet-Heads do daily,' & Muslimate em.....

http://www.bruise.ws/index.php?site=starlets

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Pant I am in love with that smiley...sooooo cute!!!!! Going to try something out...hope it works.

Everybody keep tuned!!!!!!

Sorry didn't work out....

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

[QUOTE=Pantherus]This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.

There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane, with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of it's destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.? Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options--you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:




Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

G A A, Panth! Thanks for the morning chuckles! (even from a die-hard blue-stater-that's MY state senator!). I was seriously reading each line......... I should have known better, lol!

__________________

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

__________________

I think it's time for me to get to a casino!!!!

You and my husband, both! BTW, any word on places to stay in AC?

__________________

Hopefully by this time next week I will have all the answers in place and can let everyone what the prices are.

Hi blenchi.

Kewl, I'm glad you like it. - I've been collecting them for about 10 yrs now, though I think the one you're reffering too came from my smilycons program, and that part of the collection was bought.

Smilycons is a cool little program since it hosts the smilies on a server with individual web addresses, thereby allowing you can use & link to them on any site (like this one) supporting HTML tags across the Web.

Keep it simple by configruing your messages 2 support HTML, and it should auto insert the tags for you, saving you the hassle of doing them manually.

Hehehe.

Boys will be Boys, and that's probably the only constant my gender has never outgrown.

Thank God, or that alone might have stopped the human race faster then Evolution could blossom.

[QUOTE=Corrine] Don't feel bad, Princess: nobody even knows who the 2 Senators from my state are, which may not be such a bad thing after all. LOL.

In reality, I don't discriminate against any of them; I don't trust one over the other anymore then I do any other Politician or Priest.

Pant I save smilies too....I love them...addicted you might say. I even have a topic on smilies on here. I think they know now how to do it. I have one very funny....shall I place it?

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

I think I want tata's like yours blenchi.... lol

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Yes, blenchi, by all means, Please do it.

Besides, It just may add a new one to my collection, and Woo - Hoo, life on the internet these days just doesn't get much better then that, now does it.

What do one do during vacation time? lol

Answer: Sleep

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

My mind is obviously in the gutter!

__________________

Cute, and one of my favs.

Hehe.

I have a few from that same group, and some even more raunchy then that one, but no host to link them to on a tag here at the moment, since they're stored locally to a folder on my HD.

Let me see what I can do about that, and I'll get back with you on this.

Ahh, but my dear Princess; can you be abosutely, positively, without a doubt B sure that those were Feet, you saw sticking up in the Air?

I don't know about you, but my vision has gotten a bit blurry, as it usually does at this time of night.

LOL.

Well, I'm sure if you looked carefully enough when you got there, you'd of found me there, somewhere, waiting.

This is soooo true.

Subject: Kids..................................












GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)




To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you
chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And
the first thing he said was "DON'T!"


Keep Scrolling


"Don't what?" Adam replied.





"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.



Keep Scrolling


"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"







"No Way!"





Keep scrolling





"Yes way!"







"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.







"Why"







"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.







"Uh huh," Adam replied.







"Then why did you?" said the Father.







"I don't know," said Eve.







"She started it!" Adam said







"Did not!"







"Did too!"







"DID NOT!"







Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.









BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you?





THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.






2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.






3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.







4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.







5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.







6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.










ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.







AND FINALLY:





IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE
ASPIRIN BOTTLE:





"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

Ack! You crack me up Panth! Loved your philosophy on Politicians and Priests, too!

What are you doing up at 3am???

Oh and I forgot too ask, too tired last night from packing my daughters' stuff, Me, on the other hand what?, Charlie?

__________________

Well, there is a very suggestive animated thingie imbedded in the middle of your post.

__________________
Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

Looks like someone "exercising" to me.... ya know, 33, 34, 35, 36!!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Ya know that's all it takes!

__________________
Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

Somehow or other, I knew you'd agree!!!

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

I saw the same thing Corrine....

__________________
"These are a few of my favorite things"
...Elisa
defecting to St. Thomas/St. John Oct. 10-17, '09, St. Thomas/St. John 2/23-3/3, 2010

Thanks, Elisabeth!

__________________

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.

1. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?! It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Oh donnie - Touche! I can really relate to #1!

__________________

Number 1 was my favorite too!!!

Which thing?

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

Elaine you know that TATA in papiamentu means Daddy?

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

I didn't blenchi... but, in Romanian it means father and its meaning is the same in yiddish.

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

Its gone!!!

__________________
"These are a few of my favorite things"
...Elisa
defecting to St. Thomas/St. John Oct. 10-17, '09, St. Thomas/St. John 2/23-3/3, 2010

Ahhhhh what a pity.....

__________________
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

It IS a pity.... someone was just exercising, right???

__________________




The countdown's begun!
January 30th to February 27th!

I, for one, am glad it's gone. Blenchi, you've been naughty and for that you need to be spanked!!

__________________
Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

Working, What else would any sane person be doing at such a time?

Not trying to imply that I'm sane, but I think you know what I mean.

That's what I thought it was too; someone doing pushups under the covers.

LOL.